"One more drink? Of course I'm in the mood…” thus begins another busy night, as we want in these somewhat empty times. It wasn't difficult to convince me to go along. In that state, I would probably be up for a threesome.
But what to do afterwards, to convince yourself that everything was a mistake? Why did the exaggerations go beyond the limits? I don't have this answer. And it would have been much more interesting to have discovered this riddle, before having to feel the hard way that what I was missing was myself, while I was fooling myself by watering my life down with beer, laughter that masked despair and little dances rehearsed in front of the mirror. , to impress some stranger.
Hangovers the next morning, disappointed people avoiding looking into your eyes, the increasing need to put yourself under a jet of cold water and the worst: embarrassment. From myself and from others, from having taken so long to cry those enlightening tears, from having needed to overcome all the limits of common sense to realize that what was slipping out of my control was myself... But what was I looking for? walking this path? I don't remember anymore.
Irresponsibility, at this age, is difficult to admit. And being one of those who so often decreed that a bit of inconsequentiality can often do good, admitting that I was failing myself became almost impossible. Almost…
Because the most interesting thing about all of this is that I was looking for something, some big bang about to explode satisfaction right in my face, some surprise, some incredible yet unknown song to dance to the floor on the dance floor, a new drink, someone who was enchanted with me and helped me realize my mistakes and find myself.
Wiping away a tear that ran from my face, the next night, I realized that it was time to understand that I needed to bring that pain that was finally surfacing into the real world. And that's how I faced yet another proof of that pain running down my face in front of the mirror. That was me, that was my pain, that was my quest. No more looking away. It's time to face myself head on, without losing focus. And admitting that the satisfaction I was looking for, even if through crooked paths, made me find myself and, in the most honest way possible, realize: I disappointed the most important person in my life: myself.
Learn from pain, be grateful for the accidents about to happen that did not become reality, transmute the difficulties that arise from now on in a healthy way and face my unspeakable and complicated truths head on. These are my year-end balance sheets. And for next year: I will continue wanting love, the publication of my second novel, finishing the third one I've already started, a nice guy who sees me with as many qualities and flaws as I can see myself, and more honesty for the world all. This is what the world needs, to realize that we are all in the same boat. Something tells me I'm not the only one on this rollercoaster loop...
