Firstly, I would like to say that I have been an admirer of your articles on the A Capa website for a long time. You deal with issues related to the gay universe with expertise and contribute greatly to reducing external prejudice, especially among our peers.
I'm openly gay at work and I live with a friend at an educational establishment and I get hints from him about homosexuality. There is an atmosphere of attraction between us, he is never very clear, but he is always making comments about handsome men or men with large penises, or situations involving married men who have sex with other men. This type of comment is insistent and always happens when we are together or I get a ride with him.
All of this leaves me disconcerted and extremely excited. But there is the issue that in addition to being a guy from my work, he is a guy married to a wife and father of three children. I notice fantasy components in myself. The whole situation really touches my imagination and I'm afraid to take this issue further, especially because he's never talked about any of his experiences (I don't know if he's researching the situation). So I fear exposing myself and him simply running away (or exposing the harassment to colleagues), despite all the signs of bisexuality and the prevailing seduction.
I already take this story with a lot of discomfort, but I also realize that there is some secondary gain for me in all of this. In the midst of the emotional relationship difficulties I have, I see that perhaps this guy is a kind of "lifeboat". I don't know how to handle this situation anymore, whether to leave out of turn or be assertive with the guy paying to see the experience. Tide (Rio de Janeiro – RJ)
Dear Tide, your story is relatively common among gays who have some difficulty in managing their homosexuality. They are gays who do not accept their sexual orientation and live in hiding, hiding their true desire. As they are very deprived of a sexual and emotional life with another person of the same sex, they easily get involved with someone who signals possible homosexuality. It is also common to report fantasies, which are a side effect of deprivation.
Deprivation of gay sex can lead to this condition of easy involvement with someone who gives hints. This is the case with your co-worker who gives possible hints about his homosexuality.
The problem is that we don't know how these tips work: they could be false, they could be moral harassment – homophobia, he could desire you and be a "closeted" gay man married to a woman, among others. I think if he wanted something with you it would be more direct, he wouldn't be teasing you. It would be a more likely hypothesis.
The advice I give you is to “get out”. Despite the strong homophobia that still reigns in our culture, gay people today have several alternatives to find a partner for casual sex or relationships, such as: the internet, saunas, nightclubs, bars, among others. In Rio de Janeiro there are several options where you can meet people. Good luck. Happy New Year.
*João Batista Pedrosa is a psychologist (CRP 06/31768-3) and author of the book "Segundo Desire" (Iglu). Send your queries and questions to pedrosa@syntony.com.br. Also access your website.
